People accused me of being arrogant. Said that I got angry and sad easily. My friends at junior high school deliberately called me a whore because of my so called "relationship" with an old man. My high school teacher said that I was stupid and manipulative. I never bothered to explain until one of my friends labelled me "unstable" today because I often deactivated-reactivated my Facebook. And...at this moment, I am very offended because I have a mental disorder just like my friend, Entien and I have worked so damn hard for years to stabilize myself. I am stable most of the time. It was not easy at all, especially when I was near my "depression and mania cycle". By labeling me as "unstable", he just insulted and undermined my whole work at fixing myself.
Let me tell you why I deactivated and reactivated my Facebook...
I was busy from time to time and at that particular period I often did not have the chance to update my status, reply comments, approve tags, and all. One-third of my friends seemed OK when I ignored them. One-third started texting me and called me arrogant and the rest thought that I was angry with them and begged me for forgiveness. (There was one other reason actually. It involved jealousy, but I think it will be unwise of me if I discuss it here). I do not want that to happen. So, if I felt that I would be busy for the next several days, then I'd deactivated my Facebook. As simple as that.
I don't want to seem childish by explaining these things, but really...
My Imam said that people offended by the words of others were actually answering to their own needs for respect. But the thing is, I think my never-ending efforts to stabilize my emotions deserve a little bit of respect. I really did not appreciate his words. I wanted to say "to hell with you" and moved on, but I couldn't. I want my efforts to be recognized. But then again, I cannot really force people to respect my work, right? So, I'll just cry a little bit tonight, go to a shooting range or karaoke club nearby, pray at night, try to wash his poisonous words out of my mind, and say to myself, "you are successful at restraining yourself so you didn't yell and kill people when you were depressed. Keep up the good work! I love you so much."
Cheers,
Dya
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