Feel Unworthy

Hi,

I am a bit gloomy today because somehow I feel like I am being abandoned and I end up tracing every single person who 'abandoned' me. My mom, my dad, my brother, my husband, my friends, and my prince charming. Do yo know why I typed abandoned inside those two apostrophes? because they did not actually abandon me. None of them intentionally left me or some of them did, but they did not mean to hurt me at all. However, still...the feeling of being unworthy lingers.

My dad died when I was 4 and it was God's will and he has no choice, but deep inside my heart I still feel like he left me. He promised to take me to my first day school, but he did not even make it to my playgroups session. I mean...he lied to me! Every single consolation my mom gave me did not mean anything. They are worthless lies that drove me crazy. But then, I grew up and there was this voice inside me telling me over and over again that my dad actually loved me, even just in a short period of time. I know that it's true, but..at times when I feel depressed and neglected, that negative thought came back. He left me.

After my dad died, my mom started to work harder than before. Yeah...I think you can guess it. She was away almost all the time and left me at home with my brother and Yu Ribut (my super kind maid). I hate her sometimes, but then...she cried one day. She said that if she had the choice she would've chosen to stay at home with me and my brother instead of working. At that time, I felt this pang of guilt. She worked. She did not play around and she did it for our family so we can survive. How could I be so selfish? hating her like that? Every time she scolded me about the way I did my house chores, I always thought that she taught me nothing about managing a house. She did not have the right to scold me that way. After few hours, I would pulled together my sanity and realized that she did what she did because she wanted me to be a better woman, wife, and mother. Everything she did was for me. It was never about her. How could I know? Well, no matter how bad I was, she would still love me just the same.

The case with my brother was quite the same with my dad and my friends and husband were similar with my mom. Some are busy in their offices and some are busy being dead.  The only one different was my prince charming. Until now, I don't know why he left.  Perhaps I am too much of a burden for him.  The thing is...the combination of all of these makes me think that maybe, maybe I am just not worthy enough for them. Somehow I feel like I do not deserve their time and attention.  And no one tell me otherwise. I just keep telling myself that I am worthy, that I am somehow valueable, that I deserve their time and supports...but it is getting harder and harder to do because...well, people keep leaving me.


Dya

p.s. the picture above is me and my little niece, Lia. She is the expert on abandonment issue and she still grew up to be one hell of an amazing individual. Everytime I feel ungrateful or abandoned, I would look up to her and found my moment of shame.